Red States Revelations

Here is the little gospel number from an old notebook. It’s less than divinely inspired, I must say.

The Red States Revelations (or The Book Of Larry)

some newly-translated windblown fragments.

Chapter 1:

And they said, Master, how can we feed the multitudes after your big tax cuts?

And the Lord handed him a fish and saith, Have faith. I have a lunch date with my biggest contributors. I’m sure you can work something out.

Chapter 2:

On the way they saw a woman who had no job, and another who was not paid the same as a man doing the same job. Master, they called out, I have no job, and I who am working am not paid the same amount as the man doing the same job.

And the Master saith, See this child over there that can do the same job for a penny. See the one across the sea that will do that of which you complain for the same penny but for ten hours a day: Go, and do likewise.

Chapter 3:

And they went on from that place and found a couple older in age than the others. One of the followers asked in what manner they might live as they await the blessed life to come. And the Master saith: I suggest any of several tax deferred savings accounts. These will be a blessing unto them for the kingdom is like unto a Roth IRA or a personal savings account that belongeth only to you. It doth have your name on it. But lo, Master, some of these elderly have nothing. And the Master saith: Verily to that which have, more will be given, and vice versa. At this they wondered at its wisdom.

From town to town they went wondering, listening and studying the fine print of all that he saith.

Chapter 4: The Book of Larry

And the servant sayeth, Yea, and verily, would I understand this ownership society. And should I not have the tools by which I worketh, and own them, and have access to the company expense account for all my travels far and wide, and should I not share in the ownership of the plant and equipment by which I earn my daily bread, and claim ownership of the many stock options now reserved for those who deprive me even of a roof over my head?

But the Master picked up his scourge, and smiteth him a mighty smite, and drive him from the temple being careful not to disturb any of the money changers who were shaking down the widow for her mite, and curseth him even unto the end of his days.

And then they went out of town and saw a gathering place of veterans and the Master rose up saying saying Verily their benefits for all these shall be cut in the coming fiscal year, to which prophesy the multitude marvelled.

The ones afflicted with demons rose up saying Thou represseth the poor and those in need, dishonor such as these, casting them out? Even unto the daughters and sisters to oppress by new fangled laws? And the Master replied Lo, I think I seeth my house from here!

And the followers laughed at this and went from that place. And the Master saith, the Kingdom is like a gated community…

Chapter 6

And so it came to pass at nightfall the Master yawneth and saith to his followers Excuseth me for I am bushed right now, and he fluffeth his pillow before his followers and saith the Song of the CEO:

O Administration thou art by my side

Though I walk through the shadow of free enterprise thou art with me;

Thou reviseth the tax code

To make it simple

And raiseth the taxes on sales and amenities of mine enemies;

Yea the multitude deserveth nothing

Thou turnest the tables belatedly;

Thou enacteth much needed tort reform

And protecteth me from frivolous lawsuits

Though they be but 1% of 1% of my losses thou restoreth them unto me

Thou smitest the trial lawyers amassed against me

Thou cappest my damages

And freeth me from regulation

When I faileth decisively thou subsidizeth me

Thou grantest me billions to support my cause

Thou endeth competition

And grantest me untrammeled advantage over mine enemies

Thou doest the R&D and chargest me nothing!

Thou grantest me dominion

And privatize my soul

Yea though I walk through the shadow of free enterprise

Thou fixeth it for me

My offshore accounts endureth

tax free forever.

And the Master slept

…And so end the precious fragments found in a jar in a wind blown desert long ago, and yet still inspiring 51% of Americans today! It is an awakening to which the Blue States watch with wonder.

jk

(11/07/04, but still the same) from the notebook where all drafts are rough drafts.

Tales of the Crash 2008

A Fable

***Joshua Abraham Norton (February 4, 1818– January 8, 1880) was a famous eccentric who declared himself emperor of the United States and who issued his own currency. His authority was acknowledged by San Franciscans, and local establishments accepted his hand printed promissory notes. His uniformed image with bicycle is ubiquitous. ***

“Emperor Norton and Robin Williams tour the Afterlife by Velocipede”

O psychics:

It’s been a couple years since Robin passed, so if you’re all not too busy…

Look into your crystal

and tell us – hm -where is he?

***

Emperor Norton and Robin Williams look down from Telegraph Hill,

They knew that all the spirits of San Francisco were looking for a thrill-

*

So Emperor Norton issued a proclamation which was, upon its face,

“To Sir Robin of Williams, I do declare:

Let’s have a San Francisco race!”

*

Mr Williams was dressed as a flying ace, had scarf and little goggles on

The empereror in military coat, plumed hat-Carol Channing fired the starting gun.

-So the Emperor Norton/Robin Williams San Francisco race was on!

*

The Emperor has a giant bike

-a velocipede it’s called

popular in the 1880’s, but slightly overhauled

*

With rockets, bells, and whistles

And doodads and one giant forward wheel-

Robin’s had his ten-speed, solar powered, takes off with a squeak and a squeal!

*

They fly down old Montgomery Street

and bump down Filbert Stair

(For extra comfort Robin recommends pillows beneath the derrière…)

*

They scoot along crooked Lombard

and head past Cafe Trieste

where Robin sings “O Solo Mio!”

But no! they did not stop to rest.

*

All the while crowds gathered

(San Franciscans love a crazy time)

Robin stops to entertain

“Does anyone here speak Mime?”

*

(He tries to escape from invisible walls

and does his best Marcel Marceau)

but no sooner had he knocked on his imaginary door

Emperor Norton says “ Sir Williams, it’s time to go!”

*

Off to old Vesuvio and Tosca and Tivoli and Specs

They had so many Irish Coffees

They looked like a couple of nervous wrecks

*

Then off to Gino and Carlo they pedaled through the fog

“Mon Dieu!” Robin cried, “There’s Warren Hinckle, drinking with his dog!”

*

-Now they’re kind of woozy, on twisty bike lanes they did go

They stopped at Columbus and Broadway, to see a

Carol Doda Show.

*

She had her Beach Blanket bazoombas

Out for all to see

So Robin evangelized the crowd:

“If you want salvation, follow me!

*

(Not before they stopped along Columbus

to read some beat poetry.)

*

So Emperor Norton and Kerouac and Ginsberg were doing spoken word poetry jams

Then they went to Mabuhay for punk rock crowd-surfing and body slams

*

But first they stop at Washington Square

To do a scene from Shakespeare after dark

Robin speaks:

“forsooth what light

thru yonder winder breaks?-Tis immortal Jerry Garcia

Truckin’ through the park!”

*

Jerry’s solo went wheedly wee

Twang de twiddley- boo

Turk Murphy and Lou Watters’ Band

joined in with spooky trad/jazz too

*

(Said Herb Caen to Charles McCabe, Strangest sightem I ever did see-

To watch Robin Williams in goggles as Hamlet declaim “to be, or not to be”)

(that would be journalism, one dot, two dot, three …)

*

…So off they went on bicycles, partying all night long

They’ve left the Washbag, now they’re airborne over Powell-

That ends this Hallow’s Eve song

-Whoever after due and proper warning shall be heard to utter the abominable word “Frisco,” which has no linguistic or other warrant, shall be deemed guilty of a High Misdemeanor, and shall pay into the Imperial Treasury as penalty the sum of twenty-five dollars.- emperor norton